House on Haunted Hill
by FekketCantenel
Summary: (chapter 6 is in - fic complete!) Seto has a party at a haunted chocolate factory, and Yugi, Tea, Joey, Tristan, and Bakura are invited. Rated for liberal use of bleep.
1. Planning, Arriving, and PAIN

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh or House on Haunted Hill. And just so you know, HoHH is the SINGLE BEST FRICKIN' MOVIE IN THE HISTORY OF MOVIE-MAKING!!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU SEE THE FIFTIES VERSION OR THE NINETIES VERSION (thought the fifties version is boring in comparison), YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE!!! YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SLEEP FOR WEEKS AFTERWARD!!!!!!!! *coughs nervously* Now that that's on the table, let's begin.

**House on Haunted Hill  
By FekketC**  
Chapter 1  
Planning, Arriving, and Dropping Expensive Things Over People's Heads

~thunder crashes, creating a stark contrast against the dark sky that for a moment burns the eye. As the light fades the camera zooms out and shows an old man sitting at a desk eating chocolates and doing paperwork. Everything is black, white, and dingy. There is banging on the walls, but the man pays no heed and merely continues his work calmly, occasionally sampling from the box of chocolates.~

Woman (tall, fluffy whitish hair, wearing a stiff dress): *comes in, carrying another box of chocolates* Sir, these are the first of the new flavor they've been testing: Finger-Nuggets.

Man: *opens the box, pulls out a finger-shaped chocolate and takes a bite* Mmm, mmm, that's perfect. We'll start mass-producing them right away.

Woman: Er, sir, about the 'donors', they've been getting restless and I wonder-

Man: *waves his hand* Oh, you worry too much, Jenevieve-

~sirens suddenly start going off, and there is the sound of pounding and screaming~

Woman: Great Scot, the prisoners have escaped-

*the door collapses and a crowd of insane people rush in, grabbing the woman and man and strangling them*

~scene switch to another part of the chocolate factory, where the insane workers are throwing the executives into vats of boiling chocolate or between the chocolate-bar dicing blades~

Man in top hat: *rushes up to lever and pulls it* The Willy Wonka device! *metal slats come down over all windows and doors, sealing the factory just as most of the machines burst into flame*

~suddenly the scene zooms out and the terrifying footage of insane people ripping each other apart is put safely on a TV screen. Zooming further out we see Mokuba Kaiba sitting on a plush couch, watching the documentary on the television~

Mokuba: Woah, ever since public television decided to show INTERESTING stuff, I sure have been learning a lot!

Voice-over on the TV: In 1926 the great factory known as Kaiba Chocolates and Candies was burned to the ground, leaving only a shell of stone and the charred bodies of those trapped inside by the Willy Wonka device, a safety measure to prevent spies from stealing the company's secrets. None of the Kaiba family survived except Kaiba's young son, and today his descendants command Kaiba Corporation. Safe to say they won't be making chocolates any time soon.

Mokuba: Oh, cool, I gotta go tell Seto about this! *gets up and runs out*

TV: When the police began to investigate the factory they soon learned that Kaiba had been conducting experiments with making candy out of human body parts and organs. Some say even today the spirits of those mutilated by Kaiba still roam the rebuilt factory...

~scene switch to a swimming pool, Seto sitting on the edge in full clothing and typing on a laptop~

Mokuba: *runs up* Seto, guess what the TV said!

Seto: *still typing* That's nice.

Mokuba: It said there's this haunted factory that our ancestor owned, and I want to go there for my birthday party!

Seto: That's nice. Invite your friends.

Mokuba: Even Yugi?

Seto: Even Y- *stops, starts thinking* You said this place is haunted?

Mokuba: Well, yeah.

Seto: It might be... dangerous.

Mokuba: Well, sometimes people die when they go in there, but I don't think we'd be in danger with the Millenium Items around.

Seto: Nn-hn. I'll set up this party myself, Mokuba, don't worry.

Mokuba: *eyebrow rises* You're not planning on stealing the Millenium Puzzle, are you?

Seto: Huh? No, I was hoping to see Joey Wheeler pee his pants when he thinks he sees a ghost.

Mokuba: Oh. Yeah, I guess that would be funny.

~scene switch to a dark road at night. Slowly five headlights appear, and the camera switches to the inside of the first one. Yugi is sitting in the backseat, wearing an old blue suit and nervously pawing the Millenium Puzzle. He looks down at the invitation in his hand~

Invitation: You are cordially invited to the birthday of Mokuba Kaiba...

~scene switch to the inside of the second car, where Joey, dressed in dirty jeans and a black t-shirt, is stuffing his pockets with the complementary mints. During his raid he finds his own crumpled invitation in his pocket~

Invitation: A night filled with shivering terrors, betrayal, and maybe even MURDER...

~scene switch to Tea, sitting primly in the backseat of the third car, dressed in a dark blue secondhand pantsuit and reading her own invitation~

Invitation: Take a step back to the horrible carnage of the 1920's, maybe even catch a glimpse of Old Man Kaiba himself...

~scene switch to Tristan, sitting with his legs up on the seat, picking his nose and reading his own invitation~

Invitation: And have the chance to earn at least a million dollars after staying the entire night in...

~scene switch to Bakura, wearing his normal clothes and the Millenium Ring, reading his own invitation seriously~

Invitation: ...the House on Haunted Hill.

~the caravan comes to a stop in front of a tall gate, and everyone starts to get out~

Girl (long brown hair and a British accent, dressed in torn jeans and a red t-shirt): *comes running up, waving her arms* Get back in your cars!

~everyone hesitates, then obeys~

Girl: Now, everyone get out! Come on, I don't have all day!

Yugi: *climbs out of his car and shuts the door* Why'd you tell us to get back in if you wanted us to get out?

Girl: Well, duh, I'm the groundskeeper, I do all sorts of freaky stuff! *looks down at Yugi* Well, the factory is this way-

Bakura: Hold up a moment, I thought it was a house.

Girl: Hey, bud, I'm the only one around here with an accent!

Bakura: Bloody darvy!

Girl: *blink* Never mind, we'll share. And no, it's a factory.

Joey: *looks around* I don't see no hill.

Girl: Of course, dimwit, this is flatland.

Tea (slowly): So, if it's not a house, and it's not on a hill...

Girl: It must be haunted!!!

Everyone: *sweatdrop*

Girl: Come on, come on, the party's waiting and then I'm getting out of here.

Tea: Oh, you're not staying for the party?

Girl: *laughs insanely* Hell, no!

Everyone: *exchanges nervous glances, BIG sweatdrop*

Yugi: *as the girl leads them through the open gates* So, Seto owns this place?

Girl: Nah. I do. He's just renting it for the night. I got the deed from my grandfather, who built it originally. Frankly I hate this place; it gives me nightmares. That's why I'm just going in, getting the rent money, and getting out.

Tea: So, is it dangerous in there?

Girl: *laughs* Kid, you have more chances of being dissected by alien overlords then you do of being killed by a ghost.

Joey: So there aren't any ghosts in there?

Girl: No. I was being optimistic. Actually, there's a buttload of ghosts in there just waiting to tear you all apart. But I won't be there, so- *opens huge double doors, leads the way in*

Bakura: Roomy. Not.

Tristan: *looks around at the huge entrance hall, tastefully decorated with pictures of chocolate bars* Oh, I don't know, Bakura, this place is okay. Lots of chocolate.

Tea: *walks in, looks up at the ceiling* Holy crap, what is that?!

Girl: *looks up at the net full of Ming vases* Oh, that was there when I inherited the place. It's supposed to be Impressionist or something. Really, everybody who tries to keep this place in shape winds up going a little nutty eventually.

Everyone: *exchange glances, sweatdrop*

~the double doors suddenly swing open and Mokuba walks in, dressed in a white t-shirt and black jeans~

Mokuba: Guys, I'm so glad you came-

~suddenly the net's support rope snaps and the Ming vases start to crash downward toward the partygoers~

Girl: Holy s- *Joey pushes her out of the way and ducks for cover*

Yugi: Mokuba! *tackles Mokuba, the two roll to the edge of the room*

Ming vases: *shatter into millions of shards which go flying everywhere. One huge sharp peice imbeds itself in the wall right in front of Mokuba's nose*

~as the dust starts to clear everyone gets up, brushing themselves off~

Yugi: Is everyone alright?

Girl: *stands up* Freaking Grandpa, hanging Ming vases in a net, what a frickin' idiot! *turns to Mokuba, bows hurriedly* Hello, Master Kaiba, I hope you enjoy your stay. Now, where's my check so I can get the hell out of here?!

Mokuba: Don't ask me, ask my brother.

Seto: *suddenly standing behind the girl* Hello, Fiona.

Fiona: *jumps ten feet into the air, turns and grabs Seto by the shirt collar* My blood pressure is currently THIS high! Do NOT sneak up on me unless you want your freaking head kicked off!

Seto: Jeesh, relax, already.

Mokuba: Man, that was cool, Seto, with the vases.

Seto: *puts on innocent look* What do you mean, Mokuba?

Mokuba: Oh, come on, I know you've set up the whole place to scare me. This is gonna be like April Fools in October!

Seto: Mokuba, I wouldn't put you in that kind of danger-

Fiona: *still holding Kaiba's collar* Check, please.

Seto: *sigh* Alright, alright. *leads everyone out of the entrance hall and into the huge conveyor belt room, which is dimly lit and covered in dust and grime* Welcome to Kaiba Chocolates and Candies, everyone. As you can see the machinery has been completely rebuilt. You'll have time to explore later, but for now I'll take you upstairs to Old Man Kaiba's office. *leads the way up a creaking set of metal stairs*

Yugi: This place really is cool, Kaiba. Eh, Fiona, could you please stop stepping on the back of my feet?

Fiona: *huddling up close to Yugi, looking around and whimpering* I just want my money, I just want to get out of this place...

Tristan: Hey, chill out, I mean, have you ever actually seen a ghost in this place?

Fiona: Oh, have I seen ghosts? I have seen things that would drive a man insane...

Everyone: *exchange glances, sweatdrop*

~at last they reach the study, which has been refurbished with a computer and printer~

Seto: *sits down, draws checkbook and pen from his pocket* Now, could I please have your names?

Fiona: Fiona Canteberry, afraid of spiders, werewolves, ghosts and shovels, good friend of FekketC who uses this fear to torture her friend in fics. Irate caretaker of a creepy old house.

Yugi: Yugi Moto, world class Duel Monsters champion.

Tea: Tea, world class git. *covers mouth with her hand*

Fiona: AHA, SEE?!?!??!?! THE SPIRITS ARE ALREADY AT WORK!!!

Joey: Joey Wheeler, also world class Duel Monsters champion as well as suave cool ladies man.

Tristan: Oh, I was gonna say that... Tristan. Um, needlenoggin. *covers mouth with his hand*

Fiona: *waits* Nope, that was a Froidian Slip, sorry.

Bakura: Ryuu Bakura, Duel Monsters player, vessel of a psychotic theif's spirit, and hater of dark passages and spiders.

Fiona: *blink* He's crazy, he's got a British accent, AND he's a coward! He's my... SOULMATE!!!

Bakura: *sweatdrop, backs away*

Kaiba: Well, that settles it. *turns to them* I have never heard of any of you.

BUM BUM BUM!!!

--------------------------------

Eh, okay, that was pretty dumb for a start. Next chapter some freaky stuff starts happening, and we have our first death! Woot! Guess who it is!  
Fiona:I give up.  
Me: Erm, well...  
Fiona: No, seriously, who is it?  
Me: I haven't found a big enough hat yet.  
Fiona: YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW?!  
Me: n.n Oh, of course I do, dumbhead! *puts everyone's names in a cowboy hat*  
Fiona: My name better not be in there, bakana elf girl...  
Me: O_O REVIEW BEFORE FIONA KILLS ME!!! HURRY!!!


	2. Don't Go In the Basement

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh or House on Haunted Hill.  
Fiona: *bonking me over the head with Wiffle Bat for sticking her in the fic*  
Me: STOP STOP OWIE!!!! You won't die, you're the virgin!  
Fiona: YOU BETTER BELEIVE IT, ELF GIRL!!! *continues bonking me, then stops and thinks* Wait, I can't be the only one; all these characters are little kids! I mean, Seto's the oldest and he's like 19! And Mokuba can't be older than twelve!  
Me: *slowly* You don't read the Yu Gi Oh manga, do you?  
Fiona: *shrugs* Oh well. *continues bonking me* 

**House on Haunted Hill  
By FekketC**  
Chapter 2  
Don't Go In the Basement (Unless, You Know, You Want To...)

Kaiba: Well, that settles it. *turns to them* I have never heard of any of you.

Everyone: Uh, Seto...

Seto: What, I can't be dramatic for ONE second?! Fine, fine, okay, here's the rules. All five of you stay in this house all night. Each one who lives and stays in the house gets a million dollars. Except Mokuba, because he's already rich, and Fiona, because she's leaving. If one of you dies or leaves, your million is split among the survivors. So, it stands to reason, one person could walk away with five big ones...

Fiona: *tapping foot* AHEM!!!

Seto: *writes check, hands it to Fiona* Sure you won't stay? Even if I added an extra million to the pot for you?

Fiona: Not for all the grain in my brother's socks. *starts to walk out, but stops and turns to them* Three things you must remember if you want to survive the night: Stay together, avoid the dark, and if you see the creepy guy with a mustache, run. *turns, walks out of the room*

Seto: Her loss. Now, anyone want to go back down to the creepy conveyor belt room and see if we can chop Yugi up in the chocolate bar maker?

Joey: That's so gross, it's not even funny.

Seto: Depends on your point of view. Anyway, you knock off Yugi and you gain $250,000.

Joey: No chance, dumbass.

Seto: Look who's talking, pinhead-

~suddenly there is a creaking, shaking screech that fills the factory. Kaiba and the others press their hands to their ears, trying to shout over the noise.~

~scene switch to the conveyor belt room, where Fiona is holding her ears and running for the double doors. Metal slats are coming down over the windows and doors, and just as Fiona runs up to the huge double doors they swing shut and are blocked by metal~

Fiona: *bleep*ing *bleep*!!!

~scene switch back to Kaiba's office, as the noise dies down and everyone looks at each other~

Fiona: *bursts into the room* Some *bleep*ing *bleep* triggered the *bleep*ing Willy *bleep*ing Wonka device!!! *very long bleep*

Yugi and Mokuba: AH, MY YOUNG EARS!!!

Tea: *bonks Fekket over the head* Don't curse in front of the children!

Fiona: WE'RE ALL GONNA *bleep* DIE A *bleep*ING PAINFUL DEATH!!!

Seto: I thought I told you to disable the Willy Wonka device!

Fiona: Well, I was sorta gonna do it, but... Uh, well, I sort of... kind of... got distracted...

~flashback~

Fiona: Okay, now to go smash the Willy Wonka device with a cartoon mallet- *looks down* A cookie! *picks up cookie, eats it, spots another* Another cookie! *follows trail of cookies out of the house, walking right up to the parking lot where Yugi and the gang's cars have just parked* *spots cookie under the front car, and Yugi's about to step on it* Get back in your cars! *everyone gets back in their cars, Fiona grabs the last cookie and stuffs it in her mouth*

~end flashback~

Everyone: -____________- ~thinking: our lives for a cookie?~

Fiona: Actually, your lives for a whole lot of cookies.

Everyone: *___________* ~mental sweatdrop~

Fiona: Cut that out!

Seto: Well, just go turn off the *bleep*ing device!

Mokuba: Bro, don't you start!

Fiona: There are only three ways to turn it off. The first is the control panel on the front porch. We can't get to that since there's no way out of the house. The gardener will be here in the morning, and he knows the code so he'll just let us out. There's also the wiring panel in the basement which we could probably rewire, but I ain't goin' down there and neither will you unless you want to look like something on a McDonalds plate.

Tea: What's the third way?

Fiona: Search me. Grandpa's notes were *waving hands spookily* _mysterically_ blank after that point, *stops* so he never mentioned where the third control is. Probably in an equally unreachable or unsavory place.

Seto: Well, we can either hang out and have a quiet party until dawn-

Fiona: Though the ghosts will tear us apart before then.

Seto: -or we can go down to the basement and turn off the Willy Wonka device.

Fiona: Though the ghosts will tear us apart before we reach the device.

Everyone: *sweatdrop*

Seto: *grabs Fiona by the arm* Take me to the damned device already.

Yugi: I'm coming, too.

Tea: Me, too.

Mokuba: I think I'll stay up here.

Bakura: I'll stay with him, since there's strength in numbers.

Joey: Eh, is it very dark down there?

Fiona: *whimpering, nods*

Joey and Tristan: *look at each other* We'll stay here.

Seto: You'd better stay in the conveyor belt room, since there's snacks laid out and it's better lit. And I have to show you the... party favors.

~the eight head back down the stairs and arrive in the huge room full of machinery. Seto leads the way across the room to a huge coffin-shaped box, and opening it starts doling out small boxes~

Mokuba: Bro, it's too early to open presents, we haven't had cake yet! *opens the box* Holy *bleep*!!!

Seto: *glares at Fiona, who shrugs apologetically* Inside each of these boxes is a .22 Magnum loaded with six shots. The barrels are welded shut, so they can't be reloaded. Each person gets one gun, unless they kill somebody and take their gun.

Yugi: *Seto shoves a gun into his hands* Uh, Seto, we don't even know how to fire a gun!

Joey: Hey, speak for yourself! I personally am an expert marksman. I hope some ghost comes looking for a peice of me; I'll shoot his brains out!

Tea: *sarcastically* Mokuba, if you see a ghost, stand right in front of it and you'll be in the safest place.

Joey: Hey!

~Fiona, Tea and Yugi head down the stairs for the dark, icky basement, while Bakura, Mokuba, Joey and Tristan stay in the conveyor belt room and play Clue. Seto says he needs to check on something upstairs, and disappears up the metal staircase~

Mokuba: I get to be Colonel Mustard!

Bakura: I'll be Mr. Green.

Tristan: I'm Professor Plum!

Joey: Oh, that means I have to be one of the girls...

~scene switch to Fiona, Yugi, and Tea walking down the long stone staircase in almost complete darkness except for their flashlights~

Fiona: *huddling close to Yugi* I really don't want to come down here, guys! It's like a maze, full of dastardly machines and restless spirits and... and a bunch of gross stuff!!!

Yugi: It's alright, Fiona, if we stay in a group and keep our flashlights on, we won't be in any danger. *looks up suddenly* Da lights keep flickering all crazy-like, man! It's da voodoo!

Tea: *blink* What did he say?

Fiona: He's channeling the spirit of Big Ape, the Jamaican guy who ran the jellybean machine!

Yugi: *sweatdrop* Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, man?

Fiona: *sigh* I couldn't get all the wiring straight so of course the lights are going to flicker a little. *looks up* Ah, we've reached the bottom of the stairs*

Yugi: *looks up* Holy *bleep*, man! What the *bleep* is dis stuff?

Tea: Is that stuff real?! Ewwww, GROSS!!!

Fiona: *steps down after Yugi, looks around at the huge glass tanks* Yep, it's all real. *leads the way down the corridor lined with tanks, which each have a half-preserved, mangled body floating in it*

Tea: Whoever worked in this place, he was NUTS.

Yugi: You got dat right, man.

Fiona: In the 1920's Seto's great-grandfather Old Man Seto Kaiba ran this place. Kaiba Chocolates was one of the most respected factories in this city, until the place burnt down and everyone found out Old Man Kaiba had spent years kidnapping people and using their body parts in his recipes. Half the country vomited on hearing this revelation, since practically everyone ate the Old Man's candies.

Yugi: *looks up at the mutilated body of a young child* Dis is... sickening. Man.

Fiona: *stops when they reach a split in the corridor* Um, I think we go left-

~suddenly several stone slabs fall from the ceiling with a resounding CRACK! Yugi shouts and grabs Fiona around the waist, pulling her out of harm's way as a ton of stone, mortar and dust crashes down~

Tea: *coughing from the dust* That was close!

Fiona: *one long bleep*

Yugi: *lets go of Fiona and looks up at the passage; the left way is mostly cut off by the pile of rubble* I guess we go da right way, man.

Fiona: *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-* *stops to take a breath* *bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...*

~scene switch to Seto, walking along the hall to his office. He goes in, then tips back the bust of his great-grandfather hanging on the wall. The wall slides back a few feet and he walks into the room filled with surveilance monitors and computer equipment. The huge computer screen at the center of the wall turns from black to blue on his arrival~

Seto's computer: Glad you're back, Seto; this place is starting to creep me out!

Seto: *looks up at screen that shows Yugi, Tea and Fiona picking through a pile of rubble. His gaze then turns to the screen showing Mokuba, Bakura, Joey and Tristan sitting on the floor of the conveyor belt room, playing Clue* How are the guests?

Computer: Pretty tense, actually. Fiona is ready to have a nervous breakdown if someone with a sheet over their head jumps out and shouts 'Boo!'

Seto: I expected as much. But tell me, how did you access the Willy Wonka controls from here? I didn't know there was a remote access set up to it.

Computer: Well, I... didn't.

Seto: *blinks* What?

Computer: I didn't set the thing off. The only way I can figure it, it finally just had to slip, it's so old.

Seto: You're lying, I'm sure you set it off somehow-

Computer: Computers can't lie, Seto!

Seto: *___* We're screwed. *shakes head* There's no such thing as a haunted house. Willy Wonka must have just crashed down on his own.

Computer: Or else someone's playing a joke on the jokester...

BUM BUM BUM!!!

~scene switch to the basement, with Yugi, Fiona, and Tea still walking through the stone corridors~

Yugi: Dis place ain't that bad, after you get past da bodies an' falling blocks.

Tea: Can we get him to stop talking like that?!

Fiona: I kind of like it, but then I either go for black guys or guys with weird colored hair. He's both right now.

Tea: Um, Bakura's psychotic.

Fiona: *drool* Never mind, I'll take him.

Yugi: Whatcha talkin' bout, girls, I always talk dis way!

Tea: You do not!

Yugi: *shrugs* Them's your bananas.

Tea and Fiona: *pulling their hair out*

Seto: *suddenly appears around the corner, covered in white powder* Boo.

Fiona: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH- *falls over, writhing and clawing at her heart* I THINK MY HEART EXPLODED!!!!! I'M GONNA SUE THE ASS OFF OF OLD MAN KAIBA!!!

Seto: *stares at her* It's me.

Fiona: *sits up, gasps* YOU'RE DEAD!!! THEY KILLED SETO!!! *long bleep*

Yugi: *sweatdrop* What's wrong wid her, man?

Tea: And why are you all white, Kaiba?

Seto: I walked under the *bleep*ing flour machine. There's bugs in this stuff, too, I swear I feel them crawling around.

Fiona: *screams turn to laughter*

Yugi: Ah, man, yo gots bugs in da underpants!

Seto: *blushes* Shut up!

Tea: *snorts, starts laughing*

Seto: Shut up! I thought we were supposed to be-

Fiona and Yugi: BUGS IN THE/DA UNDERWEAR!!! BUGS IN THE/DA UNDERWEAR!!! BUGS IN THE/DA-

Seto: *bonks them over the heads* Where's the damned control panel?

Fiona: *gets up* It's- *snorting with supressed laughter* -in here. I think. *leads the way into a darkened room*

Yugi: What is dis stuff, man?

Fiona: Electroshock equipment. Old Man Kaiba got it cheap off a burnt down psychiatric hospital. *points to a large wooden tray big enough for a person to lie down on* It was how they made Electric Zingers, a sort of extra-tangy gumball. They'd fill up the tray with gumballs and then zap the whole thing with thousands of watts of electricity.

Tea: Seems innocent enough-

Fiona: Oh, and Old Man Kaiba got most of his inspiration from tying people to the trays and zapping them, too.

Seto: That's just pointless. What fun could someone possibly get out of watching that?

Fiona: Search me, he was your ancestor. Maybe he liked watching them bounce around and make buzzing sounds.

Everyone else: *sweatdrop*

Fiona: *leads them from that room to another, full of large, upright metal things that look like mini-gas chambers* And this is the saturation room. It was how the Old Man did his recuitment. You see, in order to work at a chocolate factory you have to be able to withstand high levels of unicorns and flowers and crap. So if someone came looking for work, Old Man Kaiba would shove them in there and see if they survive. The walls in those things flash videos and weird sounds and freaky stuff. Would drive a strong man to tears. *looks at Yugi* Eh, you okay?

Yugi: *standing pressed against the wall, staring hard at the saturation chamber across from him* I'm gettin' dis overwhelming fear, man. *blinks* Ya think maybe Yami was in one ah dose things before and I'm feelin 'is fear?

Inside Yugi's head: *Yami and Big Ape playing Go Fish*

Fiona: I'm pretty sure it's Big Ape.

Seto: Just what I like to see at a party: my least favorite guests being freaked out.

Fiona: *grabs Seto by the arm* Come on, I just want to get out of this *bleep*ed up house!

Seto: *as she leads him out of the room* It's not a house, you know...

Tea: *touches Yugi on the shoulder* Are you sure you're alright?

Yugi: *shivers, pulls away from the wall* I'm fine, girl, quit pawin' me. *looks around* Where'd Fiona an' Seto go?

Tea: I, uh... Uh oh. Let's go this way. *leads the way down a random hall* So are you getting any more memories?

*silence*

Tea: *turns* Yugi? *goes back the way she came*

~after wandering the halls for a while Tea finds herself walking along a long, dank corridor lined with solid steel doors. As she walks she keeps hearing groans and cries for help from within the cells, but when she peeks in through the bars on the doors she sees no one. At last, as she nears the end of the corridor she spots Yugi standing at the far end, watching her quietly*

Tea: Thank God, Yugi! You scared me! We have to stay together- Hey, where are you going?!

Yugi: *turns away, walks down the hall and disappears into the room at the end*

Tea: Yugi, come back! *runs into the room and looks around*

~the room is lit only by the flickering lights, but Tea can see the operating tables that line the wall. The smell of blood, sweat, and chemicals turns her stomach, and she turns to look at the far wall. There is an area enclosed by chicken wire, and when she looks closer she notices two people in an Abbot and Costelo slap-fight. As she approaches she realizes that the two people are Yugi and Yami. Her stomach drops down to her toes and she rubs her eyes; what she's seeing can't be real. When she looks back up, the two are gone~

Tea: *approaches the chicken wire area, pushes open the door and walks inside* Yugi? Are you here?

~against the wall is a huge vat with a small stairway leading up to it. As Tea looks up she sees Yami standing at the top, looking down into whatever is in the tank~

Tea: Yami?! What are you doing?!

Yami: *looks up at Tea serenely, then back down at the tank. His face expressionless, he tips forward and plunges into the reddish-brown liquid that fills the tank*

---------------

Okay, this is more strange than freaky. Honestly, if you haven't seen the movie you are going to be so confused right now. Anyway, read and review. Next chapter Tristan dies (maybe really, maybe not really, but either way it'll be sticky...), Mokuba gets pissed at his brother and goes upstairs to sulk, and a bunch of OTHER freaky stuff happens. Stay tuned, 'cause it'll only get dumber!!!


	3. I Know What You Did

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh or House on Haunted Hill.  
Fiona: *staring at me veeeeery hard*  
Me: *slowly* What? What is it, Fi?  
Fiona: In the movie, the rich guy and his wife hate each other and plot to kill each other. In this fic, the equivalent is Seto and Mokuba. But if you write about them hating each other and plotting to kill each other, I swear I will rip your tongue out.  
Me: *_____* *thinking: I want to keep my tongue!!!*  
Fiona: And so you shall.  
Me: *__________________* Message received. 

**House on Haunted Hill  
By FekketC**  
Chapter 3  
I Know What You Did Last Time We Threw A Party

Yami: *looks up at Tea serenely, then back down at the tank. His face expressionless, he tips forward and plunges into the reddish-brown liquid that fills the tank*

Tea: YAMI!!! *runs up the metal staircase, kneels on the edge of the tank* YAMI!!! *a hand reaches up out of the liquid, waving desperately. Tea grabs it just as it sinks back down. Up to the shoulders in the liquid, she pulls and heaves, trying to drag her friend out of the thick, slimy liquid*

Voice: What are you doing, Tea?!

Tea: *looks up and sees Yugi standing at the gate to the chicken wire area, one eyebrow raised in confusion* Yugi? But, if you're there, then who- *screams as whatever she's holding starts to pull her into the tank*

Yugi: TEA!!! *runs up the staircase, grabs Tea around the waist, and manages to help pull her out*

Tea: *gasping for breath, crying* What... What is that stuff?!

Yugi: I smell chocolate. *looks at Tea's arms* But it looks red on your arms.

Yugi and Tea: *look at each other*

~scene switch to the conveyor belt room~

Joey: I ACCUSE Mr. Green of doing it in the Hall with the Candlestick.

Tristan: *grins evilly at Bakura* You know what we do to murderers, Bakura. Better hope he got it wrong.

Bakura: *sweating*

Joey: *opens the tiny brown envelope and with a dramatic flourish pulls out the three cards* *slowly looks up at Bakura, an evil grin coming over his face* You know the price for murdering Mr. Body, Bakura...

Bakura: *leaps to his feet, backs away* No, really, I swear, I didn't do it! I was framed-

Joey, Tristan and Mokuba: ATOMIC WEDGIE TIME!!! *run at Bakura*

(Author's Note: This is how we play the game in my house. It's as fun as it sounds, unless it turns out you're the murderer...)

Bakura: *as the others tackle him* NOOOOOOOOO!!!! I'M TOO YOUNG TO DIEEEEEEEEE!!!

Tristan: Jeesh, Bakura, it's just a game.

Tea and Yugi: *appear in the doorway* What are you guys doing?

Joey, Tristan and Mokuba: *look up at them, leap off of Bakura* Nothing.

Yugi: *slowly* Were you guys about to give him an atomic wedgie?!

Bakura: *gets up* Yes!

Joey, Tristan and Mokuba: *look at each other, point at Bakura* HE STARTED IT!!!

Tea: *sits down on the couch, grabs a handful of napkins from the snack table and starts wiping the red liquid off of her arms*

Yugi: *sits down beside her* You okay?

Tea: At least you're talking normally and not having an Abbot-and-Costello slap fight with Yami.

Yugi: *blink* What?

Joey: Man, this party is boring. What happened to you, Tea?

Tea: What happened?! WHAT HAPPENED?! I WAS ALMOST PULLED INTO A VAT OF BLOOD THE SIZE OF A BUICK!!!

Yugi: I still say it was chocolate.

Voice: It was blood-flavored chocolate. And no artificial flavoring, either.

Everyone: *looks up and sees Fiona and Seto standing there*

Fiona: The Old Man used to whip up a batch of blood-flavored candy every Halloween. Everyone who ate the stuff wondered how he got the strange flavoring to taste so authentic. In reality there were hundreds of people trapped down there, the unwilling donors to his sick recipes.

Tea: I'm not going back down there. No way, no how.

Mokuba: Hmph. You guys are faking. It's all set up just to scare me.

Tea: Mokuba, I'm not lying! Some of this stuff seems fake, and I agree with you when you say you're brother's playing tricks on us. But this was real.

Tristan: So you really think this place is haunted?

Tea: I don't know what I saw, but so far I can only say it was a ghost or something.

Tristan: Alright! *grabs camcorder out of bag, turns it on and grabs a quick pan shot of the room full of shocked faces* I borrowed this from one of the guys at school, and said I'd bring back some footage of real ghosts!

Fiona: GIVE ME THAT THING!!! *tries to snatch the camera out of his hands* Don't you see? You'll go somewhere, and then we'll find your mangled corpse, and then when we rewind the tape to see if you caught footage of your killer, it'll jump out of the camera and murder us, too!!!

Everyone but Fiona: *blank look, sweatdrop*

Seto: I don't think it's a good idea for anyone to go wandering off- *looks around* Where'd he go?

Tristan: *halfway down the stone steps* I'll be back in a few, guys! Just gonna go get some shots of Old Man Kaiba!

Seto: *sighs* No one listens to me.

Fiona: *huddling next to Bakura* I know. No one listens to me, either. I said, 'Don't rent this place for a party, you'll all die', but does anyone listen? Noooooo.

Joey: why do I get the feeling I'm forgetting something? *looks at Bakura* Oh yeah! Wedgie time!

Bakura: NOOOOOOOO- *being chased around by Mokuba and Joey*

~scene switch to the basement, where Tristan is wandering around filming the glass tanks with bodies floating in them~

Tristan: Man, this place is so cool! Like a funhouse, only it's old and the dead people are real! *wanders down a hall lined with cells* This must be the place where the Old Man kept those people. Man, that must've been rough. *turns off the camera, raises his voice* Hey, guys, if I had been here when this happened, trust me, I would've broken you out! I mean, I'm good at that! There was this one time wth Mokuba- *stops talking when he reached the room at the end, looks to the side and sees the chicken wire-fenced area with the huge vat* That must be where Tea and Yugi got spooked. *starts to walk towards it but stops* What-

~a faint sound, almost inaudible, drifts to his ears. It is the sound of a person whimpering and groaning in pain, begging for help in a place where none is offered~

Tristan: What the... *turns and looks towards the operating tables that line the wall* Man, this is weird. I've got to get this on tape. *raises the camera to film the operating tables* *whispers* What the-

~standing around the table on the end are three people dressed in doctor's clothes. The first is a doctor in a white coat, the second is a nurse holding a trayful of tools and a small covered vat, and the third is another nurse standing behind an old fashioned camera. The three are intently staring at the person lying in the bed, who is strapped to the table with his shirt unbuttoned~

Tristan: *looks at the image in the camera, then looks up at the bed in real life; camera = freaky operation; real life = old table*

Doctor guy (heard faintly through the tiny speakers on the camera): Now, time to have your operation.

Man on the table: But, I like my stomach! I want to keep it!

Doctor: But we will be making candies out of it! You can have some if you like.

Man: But I won't have a stomach! I'll be dead!

Doctor: Well if you don't want the candy, don't eat any! *stabs the man with a scalpel, the man coughs, shudders, and dies*

Tristan: *backing out of the room and back into the corridor, still watching the sickening plot unfold* I've got to get out of here-

~suddenly, the doctor and two nurses freeze on his camera screen, then very slowly look up at Tristan~

Tristan: FREAKING HELL!!! *turns, sees something* *BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP-* *cut off as something swoops down on him*

~scene switch to the conveyor belt room, everyone is sitting around playing Clue except for Bakura and Fiona, who are sitting to the side and talking about schizophrenia~

~suddenly Tristan's bleep rends the air and everyone leaps to their feet~

Yugi: That sounded like Tristan!

Fiona: Oh, man, I told him that camera was bad news!

Mokuba: *sighs* Will you guys quit acting already?! *gets up, walks to the top of the staircase that leads to the basement* I'm going to go down there.

Fiona: No, not the child, too! *stops* Wait, he's GOT to be a virgin, right? Tell me he's a virgin!

Seto: *blinks, starts to follow Mokuba down into the basement* Mokuba, I'll make you a deal! If it turns out I didn't do this, you'll tell me if you're a virgin or not.

Mokuba: *bleep* you!

Everyone but Seto and Mokuba: *sighs, follow the two down into the basement*

~after a few minutes of wandering through the corridors they finally come to the room with the operating tables. Seto grabs Mokuba's shoulder and holds him back, but not before the youngest party-goer sees the blood splattered everywhere, from the floor to ceiling to all over the walls~

Fiona: *walks in, looks around, nods calmly* Yep. Told him.

Tea: He has to be around here, somewhere! I brought bandages in my backpack-

Fiona: *sigh, turns and starts screaming at Tea* DON'T YOU GET IT?! HE DOESN'T JUST HAVE A FEW PAPERCUTS OR A BROKEN ARM!!! HE'S DEAD!!! D-E-A-D-DEAD!!!! HE'S CHOPPED UP INTO TINY LITTLE PEICES, STREWN AROUND AND CURRENTLY FERTILIZING THE FUNGUS GROWING IN ONE OF THE CELLS!!!

Yugi: *touches the blood pooling on the floor, raises a finger and smells it* It's blood, alright. Doesn't smell like chocolate, either. This stuff's fresh.

Joey: TRISTAN!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Bakura: *picks up the camera* Well, here's the camera. Maybe- *glances at Fiona, who sighs and nods* Maybe he caught his killer on tape.

Everyone: *gathers around as Bakura hits rewind, stop, and play*

~at first the camera only shows fuzz, but after a few moments it clears to show-~

Seto: AUGH, MOKUBA, COVER YOUR EYES!!!

Mokuba: Cool!

Bakura: *blushes, stops the tape* Oops, guess I was fast forwarding. He's taping over his favorite Beance Noles videos.

Seto: *slaps forehead* I would rather have my little brother and only LIVING family watch Tristan being torn limb from limb than to watch that erotic crap!

Mokuba: *grabs camera, rewinds, stops, pushes play* Well, here we go. Um, it's just staring at those operating tables as he backs away. Weird. Then it whirls around, and there's like this swooping darkness, and then the camera crashes to the ground and films the wall and some screaming for a few minutes, then cut to black, then Beance dancing on top of a convertible-

Seto: *snatches camera from his hands*

Mokuba: You never let me have any fun!

Seto: You're having fun now, aren't you?

Mokuba: Aha! So you DID set this up!

Seto: No, I didn't!

Mokuba: Tell me, big brother, did you just have Tristan act out this whole thing and then run and hide, or did you really kill him?

Seto: I had nothing to do with this! I was up there with you, remember?

Mokuba: An empty alibi! You could have had it set up in advance!

Everyone but Mokuba and Seto: *watching the fight like a tennis match*

Seto: Look, either be quiet or-

Mokuba: Or what? *suddenly reaches into his pocket, pulls out the gun and points it at Seto* You can't send me to my room here, Seto!

Seto: Oh, come on, like I would really give you a loaded gun-

Mokuba: *turns, aims at the bare wall and fires three shots as everyone else covers their ears against the shockingly loud noise in the tiny space*

Seto: Wha... But...

Mokuba: I'm going to sleep in one of the upstairs rooms. I'll be staying until morning or until someone manages to get the doors open. Anyone bugs me before then, they get their head blown off. *turns, walks away down the corridor*

Seto: *staring in his direction with a blank look on his face*

Yugi: Woah... Seto, your brother's a bitch...

Seto: Where did I go wrong?!

Tea: It's alright, Seto, we're all a little uptight. Just let him sleep and tomorrow we'll have a normal birthday party somewhere far from here.

Bakura: *whispers to Fiona* She's about to go into one of her friendship speeches, we might want to clear out.

Fiona: *nods* Right. *the two sneak out, and soon the others follow. Everyone but Mokuba and, obviously, Tristan, soon gather again in the conveyor belt room*

Seto: Do you think he'll be safe up there?

Fiona: Of course not! None of us are safe while we're in this *bleep*ing house!

Seto: I think I'll go check on him.

Joey: *as Seto leaves the room, makes a motion with his finger like putting a gun to his head and firing, the others roll their eyes*

~scene switch to Seto, who barges into the office and wrenches the bust of Old Man Kaiba. The wall slides back and Seto rushes into the room~

Seto: How is he doing it? Computer, show footage of- *stops, stares at the black main screen* Computer? *hears a buzzing, looks down and sees an axe sticking out of the computer tower, buzzing and crackling with electricity* COMPUTER!!!

~suddenly Seto's eye is caught by one of the figures moving on one of the surveilance screens. It is a tall man in a white labcoat, with a mustache and spectacles. As Seto looks on, the man slowly looks up at the camera. Just as his eyes meet the camera he begins to violently search his pockets, finally stopping and holding up a tiny voodoo doll. Seto's eyes widen as the man grins up at him, then walks off screen~

Seto: What the... *looks up at the next screen, which is placed in the room where Mokuba is sleeping against the wall* *grits his teeth* Okay, bro, you play my game, I'll play yours. *turns* GAH!!!

Fiona: What's that supposed to mean? About a game?

Seto: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?!

Fiona: *holds up pack of batteries* Figured I'd get some extra, in case mine ran out and my flashlight goes out in the middle of the basement and all I can do is scream until the mustache guy comes and eats me. Well, bye. *turns, walks away*

Seto: *blink* I swear that girl is crazy. Now to find that mustache guy. *heads out of the room*

~a music montage starts set to 'Who Do You Think You Are', as Seto walks down the corridor towards the door~

~scene switch to Yugi and Tea pounding on the front doors with a battering ram made from a wood column~ The race is on to get out of the bottom...

~scene switch to Bakura and Fiona running down random corridors, checking a map Fiona is holding~ The top is high so your roots are forgotten...

~scene switch to Joey wandering around with Tristan's camcorder, his gun in his other hand~ Giving is good, as long as you're getting...

~scene switch to Seto walking around angrily in the basement, his gun in his hand, opening doors and peering inside~ What's driving you is ambition, I'm betting...

~scene switch to Mokuba sitting in his room, his eyes closed. Suddenly his eyes open and he looks up in shock as the door swings open~ I said who do you think you are... do you think you are?

~scene switch to Fiona and Bakura opening a door and seeing a small boy and a winged walrus playing Go Fish at a poker table. Fiona and Bakura look at each other, and slowly close the door~ I said who... Some kind of superstar? You have got to-

~scene switch to Seto, still opening doors and peering in~ Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are?

~scene switch to Yugi and Tea just pounding on the front doors and windows, trying to knock them open~ Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show me how good you are...

~scene switch to Bakura and Fiona in front of the Eiffel Tower, suddenly their berets fall off and the Paris skyline backdrop falls over to reveal a host of Scooby Doo-esque ghosts~ Swing it, shake it, move it, make it, who do you think you are?

~Seto appears and shoots at the ghosts, who grab their paychecks and run~ Trust it, use it, prove it, groove it, show how good you are... *song end*

Bakura: Okay, I didn't get that. What was with the Paris thing?

Fiona: Search me, I ain't the one writing the fic. *turns to Seto* So those were the guys you hired to scare Mokuba?

Seto: *blushes slightly* I just wanted him to have a scary party!

Fiona: *eyebrow rises* Scooby Doo villains? Puh-leeze.

~suddenly the lights begin to flicker and buzz. The three look up, then rush out of the room. They meet Yugi, Tea and Joey in the corridor, and they all look at each other~

Tea: Maybe it's a power surge-

Fiona: HOLY *bleep*!!! The electroshock room!

~everyone looks at each other, then runs down the hall and into the room. Sure enough the equipment is buzzing and crackling, and strapped to the tray is Mokuba~

---------

O.O Heh heh, I hope Fiona doesn't read that... *putting on hockey goalie gear* At least not until I put on the proper protection... *finishes putting on goalie gear, then starts putting on a suit of knight's armor over that* Hmm, still not enough... *straps herself to end of crane rope which then starts to lower her into a vat of concrete* By the way folks, next time there's another music montage (readers: NOOOOOOOOOO...), Seto has some wacky dreams, and the plot thickens... like chicken... Read and Review or I'll send Fiona and the creepy mustache guy after y- *submerged in concrete*


	4. What the Hell Is Up

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh or House on Haunted Hill. *nervous grin* Eheh, I also don't own the Spice Girls, and I'm probably going to be in deep shit for not putting that in the last chapter.  
Fiona: Tsk, tsk, you should have listened to my warnings... *turns the corner, holding huge mallet, stops and stares at me*  
Me: *encased in concrete up to her chin* You're not going to stare at me for a straight hour again, are you?  
Fiona: You did it. You really did it. You killed the small child.  
Me: I didn't! I was framed! I, uh, I plead insanity!  
Fiona: DAMN RIGHT! *smashing at the concrete with huge mallet* WHEN I GET THROUGH THIS CONCRETE YOU ARE GOING TO BE IN A WORLD OF PAIN, ELF-GIRL!!!  
Me: Uh, fic! Now!

**House on Haunted Hill  
By FekketC**  
Chapter 4  
What The Hell Is Up With Seto

~suddenly the lights begin to flicker and buzz. The three look up, then rush out of the room. They meet Yugi, Tea and Joey in the corridor, and they all look at each other~

Tea: Maybe it's a power surge-

Fiona: HOLY *bleep*!!! The electroshock room!

~everyone looks at each other, then runs down the hall and into the room. Sure enough the equipment is buzzing and crackling, and strapped to the tray is Mokuba~

Mokuba: *screaming through the gag, writhing and looking around desperately*

Seto: TURN THOSE MACHINES OFF!!! *starts to reach for the straps binding the frightened Mokuba to the table*

Yugi: Don't touch him! You'll become a part of the current and get electrocuted, too! *starts pulling random levers* Someone find the main power source!!!

Fiona: It's over here- Or is it over here? No, maybe it's there-

Tea: HOLD ON, MOKUBA!!! *also pulling random levers*

Joey: *rips panel from the wall, spots huge lever and pulls it*

~the machines power down into silence. Mokuba twitches a final time, then lies still on the tray~

Seto: Mokuba, say something! *undoing the straps and gag* Mokuba!

Tea: *gets a little closer, puts her hand over Mokuba's heart and feels for a heartbeat* Seto, I think... Oh no...

Yugi: Oh, man, it can't be...

Joey: *grabs Mokuba's limp arm* I ain't feeling a pulse...

Bakura: He can't be dead! Why would the ghosts kill a child?!

Seto: *quietly* Just what I was thinking. *suddenly whirls around, pointing his gun at the others*

Fiona: *bleep*!!!

Yugi: Seto! Put the gun away!

Seto: Shut up, Yugi. I'll only shoot the one that did this.

Tea: We didn't do it, Seto!

Seto: Oh really? Three things. One, he certainly couldn't have killed himself this way. How would he have strapped himself to the table? Two, I certainly wouldn't have done it. So that only leaves number three: one of you did it. Confess and I'll only shoot you and not the others.

Fiona: *slowly steps forward* Seto, you know I couldn't have done it, I'm not smart enough-

Seto: MAYBE YOU'VE BEEN FAKING YOUR IDIOCY!!!

Fiona: Seto, you know I'm too dumb to fake anything-

Yugi: *leaps in front of her, his hands in the air* Seto, put the gun down right now before someone gets hurt!

Seto: HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN IT, YUGI?! YOU THINK GHOSTS DID THIS?! AND SOMEONE TELL ME WHO THE CREEPY GUY IS!!! THE ONE WITH THE MUSTACHE!!!

Fiona: Oh, *bleep*, it's Old Man Kaiba.

Seto: WHY WOULD HE KILL HIS OWN GREAT-GRANDSON?!

Fiona: SEARCH ME!!! YOU KNOW HE GETS HIS KICKS OUT OF KILLING PEOPLE, MAYBE HE'S JUST DOING IT RANDOMLY OR SOMETHING!!!

Seto: I know one of you hired that guy. I want to know who he is, and I want to know how you dropped the Willy Wonka device.

Yugi: None of us did! Put the gun down!

Seto: I'LL SHOOT EVERY ONE OF YOU IF WHOEVER DID IT DOESN'T ADMIT IT!

Bakura: Yugi, be careful-

Yugi: PUT THE GUN DOWN NOW!!!

Seto: *aims at Yugi and fires*

Yugi: *leaps to the side, then tackles Seto and starts wrestling him for the gun*

Bakura, Fiona, Joey and Tea: *hide as shots are fired randomly, until finally the gun is empty and Seto is lying on the floor, unconscious with his head bleeding*

Tea: *slowly steps out* Y-Yugi?

Yami: *slowly stands up* I had to hit him pretty hard, but I think he'll be fine. We can't really blame him; he's just lost his only family.

Joey: Oh, man, this is messed up. What are we gonna do, guys? *suddenly looks around* I mean, no one did it, right?

Fiona: DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! I still plead stupidity.

Bakura: Do you think Seto will still be angry when he wakes up?

Yami: We'll shut him in one of the saturation chambers, just in case. Joey and I will take him there and shut him in. Bakura, do you think you could do something about Mokuba?

Bakura: *puts Mokuba's hands in an X over his chest like in The Mummy* Will that do?

Yami: That's fine. *he and Joey drag Seto's unconscious body out of the room*

Tea: I just can't beleive this. This is horrible...

Bakura: If it's any consolation, all Egyptians go to a heaven with flowers and bloodless candy and prancing happy mummies.

Tea: *sniff* Really?

Yami Bakura: *takes of Bakura* No, actually it's a place called Duat with flaming lakes and snakes and eternal damnation.

Tea: *looks at him blankly, turns and follows Yami and Joey*

Yami Bakura: *looks back at Mokuba, thinks for a moment* Eh, he'll be fine.

Fiona: *blink* So you're the evil Bakura. I don't think I like you. Go back to the other one.

Yami Bakura: *bleep* you. *walks out of the room*

Fiona: *blank look, sighs, follows him out*

~scene switch to the saturation room~

Seto: *comes to just as Yami closes and seals the door of the saturation chamber* *pounds on the door* YUGI, LET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Yami: Maybe I should stay and keep an eye on everyone-

Fiona: *clinging to Yami, points at Yami Bakura* He's being mean to me, and you're a pharoah guy, so tell him to stop!

Yami: *turns back into Yugi* Bakura, could you please stop picking on Fiona?

Yami Bakura: No.

Fiona: *sigh* I could've gotten Tea to do that!

Joey: I'll stay here and keep an eye on Seto until he calms down.

Yugi: Alright. We'll go upstairs and find some blueprints of the house, to see if we can find the third way to deactivate the Willy Wonka device.

Fiona: *as she, Yugi, Yami Bakura and Tea head up the stairs* You realize it's not a house...

Joey: *turns, peers inside the tiny window in the door of the saturation chamber* How you doin' in there, rich boy?

Seto: *pounding on the door, yelling muffled *bleep*s*

Joey: *points to his ear* Sorry, what was that? Can't hear ya! *looks down at control panel* What, is it cold in there? I'll turn on the heat! *turns knob to the first out of ten settings* That better?

Seto: *still yelling and cursing*

Joey: *turns the knob to the fifth setting* How's that?

Seto: *pounding on the door*

Joey: *turns the knob all the way up* Well, I hope that's good enough. I'm gonna split. You chill for a while and then I'll come back and let you out! *walks away*

~scene switch to inside the chamber, where Seto is standing at the center of a tiny, round, brightly lit room as the walls begin to shift. He quits pounding on the door and stands in the center of the room~

Seto: It's alright, Seto, just stay calm. There's nothing in here that can hurt you. It's just an insane torture device turned to full power by a stupid blond twit. *bows his head* Mokuba... I never should have brought you here, and now you're-

Voice That Sounds Suspicously Like Mokuba's: Seto...

Seto: *whirls around* Who are you, and why do you sound suspiciously like Mokuba?

~the shifting walls begin to flash a rainbow of colors as Seto feels an oncoming wave of nausea~

Seto: Getting dizzy- *blacks out*

Seto: *wakes slowly, looking up into the faces of a crew of doctors wearing surgical masks and caps*

The shortest one (the one that sounds like Mokuba): Seto, it's time for your operation...

Seto: No, stop, you can't-

Tallest (with a British accent and shock of white hair sticking out from under her surgical cap): But we've already taken some. *points to row of stone canopic urns* All that's left is the lungs.

Seto: No, wait, you can't embalm me, I'm still alive!

Shortest: No you're not, Seto, you're dreaming. Now go back to sleep...

Seto: Let me go! Let me go! *rips the mask off the nearest doctor*

Creepy mustache guy: What's wrong, boy? Can't take a little social studies lesson? We're learning about ancient Egypt! Now lie back down! *pushes Seto back onto the table, raises a scalpel above his head*

Seto: NOOOOOOOOOOOO- *everything goes black*

Seto: *wakes up, gets up and looks around the small, plain white room* Why am I wearing a straight jacket? *knocked out cold as a cartoon boxing glove shoots out of the wall and connects with his head*

Seto: *wakes up, looks around* Okay, straight jacket's gone, walls gone, room filled with water. What's wrong with this pic- blub! Blub blub blub!!! Blub *bleep* blub blub!!! *swims for the surface, but his path is blocked by a boy in a ballroom gown and a walrus with tiny wings* Blub?!

Boy: *grins, points candy-striped bazooka at Seto and pulls the trigger*

~scene switch to the operating room, where's Mokuba's body has been laid across one of the operating tables. Joey steps out of the stone corridor and walks up to the body~

Joey: Hey, Mokuba, it's okay, you can get up now.

Mokuba: *still dead* X____X

Joey: *smacks forehead* D'oh! *pulls mallet from thin air, knocks Mokuba over the head with it*

Mokuba: *sits up* *bleep*!!! Did you have to hit me so hard?!

Joey: It was the only way to counteract the effects of that stuff I gave you.

Mokuba: So did it work?! Was he scared?

Joey: Kid, it was priceless. He was ready to start bawling, but instead he started shooting at everybody! Yami had to beat him up, and then he was doing the whole "he lost his only family so we should feel sorry for him" thing. You'd think he would have recognized a dead guy.

Mokuba: *bleep*ing cool! Wish I could've seen it. *pumps fists in the air* This is the best prank ever! All we needed was a little miracle potion to make me look dead, and Seto and Yugi and everyone else fell for it! Even the pharaoh! What a bunch of dweebs!

Joey: We've got your bro locked in one of the saturation chambers. Wanna go let him out?

Mokuba: Sure!

~suddenly, from out of nowhere a boy and a winged walrus appear!~

Joey: What the hell?! Who are you?

Boy: Walter P. Walrus, at your service! Gimme a geranium! *tosses seed at Mokuba's head*

Mokuba: *screeches as the seed starts to grow into a plant in his hair*

Walter: And now we're going to play an even bigger prank on the others!

Joey: No way, you serious? What's the plan?

Mokuba: *plucks flower out of his hair and tosses it aside* Yeah, tell us!

Walter: Well, this may sound a little crazy, but SO AM I!!!! BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!

Joey and Mokuba: *blank looks*

Walter: Ahem. *holds up cartoon boxing glove*

Glove: *exteeeeeeeends, knocks Joey's head off*

Mokuba and Joey: *one long bleep*

~scene switch to Seto's office upstairs, where Yugi, Tea, Bakura and Fiona are sorting through the drawers~

Bakura: Fiona, you knew that Seto had a secret room here and was watching us?

Fiona: Yeah; I just didn't think it was that important.

Tea: If I find out he had one in the bathroom...

Fiona: *blink* You mean you _used_ the bathroom here? WHAT ARE YOU, A FREAKING IDIOT?!

Yugi: Here are some old plans for the conveyor belt room, but I haven't found plans for any other parts of the house.

Tea: You realize it's not a house...

Fiona: HEY, THAT'S MY LINE!!! I don't remember ever seeing blueprints for the top part of the... factory. They've got to be around here somewhere; I mean, they couldn't have just made it up as they built it.

Yugi: *pulls wad of spiderwebs out of drawer* So many spiders in here, jeesh, didn't you or Seto ever clean this place?!

Fiona: *blink* Spiders? WHERE?!

Bakura: *looking around at surveillance camera screens* I can't beleive Seto was watching us all that time. He must have been planning all kinds of pranks.

Tea: Hey, look what I found! *holds up framed photo collage* It's all the people who worked in the factory the year before it burnt down!

Fiona: Yeah, I saw that a while back. I even put crosses under the people who survived the fire.

Yugi: You mean someone survived?

Fiona: Just five of Kaiba's best workers. *points* See? There's Old Man Kaiba. He found a way out, but then a month later he was walking by the burnt down factory when witnesses say some ghostly children ran out, dragged him in, and hung him from one of the rafters.

Bakura: I'd say the old man got what he deserved.

Fiona: And here's Madam Jen, his secretary. See, the one with white hair? Hey, she looks like you, Bakura.

Bakura: *scared look* You mean great-grandma Jenevieve?! She worked here?!

Fiona: Yep. See, another thing we have in common: Our grandparents worked here.

Yugi: Hey, that guy looks sort of like my grandpa! Maybe he's his father.

Fiona: *squints at the collage* That's Old Man Moto. He was in charge of the chocolate slicing machines. And here's Tristan's ancestor, I guess; he was warden in the cells down there. And Old Man Kaiba's younger brother... Freaky, he was also named Mokuba. He was in charge of the electroshock machines. Is anyone seeing a pattern?

Tea: *jumping up and down* Ooh, ooh, who was my ancestor?!

Fiona: *checks the collage* Evil Worm Lady. See? She's the one that looks like a witch. She was the cleaning lady and cook. She used radioactive water to wash the dishes, then made the prisoners drink the water.

Tea: *eyes go wide and stay there*

Yugi: She could stay like that a while. What I don't get is, why'd we all get invited here?

Fiona: Because this house hates us and wants revenge!

Yugi: I thought it was because Seto invited us.

Fiona: *_* Er, that too. But mostly the house. Hey, wait, no one on the collage could be Joey's ancestor-

Yugi: You realize that it's not a house-

Bakura: *still watching the surveillance monitors* AHHHH!!!!

Everyone else: *rushes to his side* What?! What is it?!

Fiona: Did you see the creepy mustache guy?

Tea: Did you see a way out?

Yugi: Did you see- Um... Never mind, they took all the good ones.

Bakura: *shakes his head* I saw Seto.

Yugi: But he's still in the saturation chamber!

Bakura: Not anymore, he's not...

Tea: You're just seeing things. It's been a while, we'd better go let him out, anyway. Come on, guys, I'm not going down there alone!

Fiona: *smiles* There, you're learning.

~scene switch to the basement, just as Fiona, Yugi, Bakura and Tea reach the bottom of the stone steps and head for the saturation room~

Fiona: *as they enter the saturation room* Oh, *bleep*!!! It's Joey!

Yugi: *as everyone runs up to the saturation chamber that previously held Seto* *peers in the tiny window and sees Joey's face pressed against the glass* Joey? Are you alright?

Joey: *muffled cursing*

Tea: *unlocks the door and lets it swing open* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Joey: *body falls out, and then his head rolls out after it*

-----------

O___O Okay, this has gotten strange even for my taste... Um, read and review! Next chapter everyone's mad at Seto, Mokuba gets his ass fried (literally), and we have another music montage! (Yes, I know I promised it in this chapter, but give me a break, this chapter was already way too long!!!) Anyway... *lays the rescue of Mokuba Kaiba on a stone altar* Great and Powerful One who weilds the Holy Mallet of Pain, I have allowed Mokuba Kaiba to live another chapter!  
Fiona: *appears on top of the altar with a mean look in her eye* AND IN THE PROCESS YOU BEHEADED JOEY AND DRAGGED YOUR INSANE LITTLE BROTHER INTO THIS!  
Me: Eheh, please don't chew my ass out on that one, I'll live to regret it soon enough...  
Fiona: Keh, true enough. *turns to readers* Review! Only if some freak is enjoying this shall I spare the life of the elf-girl!  
Me: *waving from behind her* HELP ME!!! *helicopter comes, drops bag of sandwiches, leaves* YAY, THEY HEARD THE S.O.S. I SENT!!! *starts devouring sandwiches*  
Fiona: *sigh*


	5. It's Good To Be Decapitated Again

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh, House on Haunted Hill, or Lord of the Rings.  
Me: *looks around* Okay, I've covered the walls in Tristan's blood, made fun of Tea, killed Mokuba and brought him back to life, beheaded Joey, and eaten all the emergency sandwiches. So where's Fiona? I keep getting this feeling like she's sneaking up on me, weilding a sharp object-  
Fiona: *dressed in black robes* PREPARE TO MEET THY DOOM!!!  
Me: *blink* 'Thy'?  
Fiona: *annoyed sigh, lowers scythe and takes off hood of robe* It means 'your'.  
Me: Oh. Prepare to meet your doom. *gasp, hugs Fiona* Are you sick, Fiona? Oh, no, I won't let you meet thy doom alone!  
Fiona: *sigh* 

**House on Haunted Hill  
By FekketC**  
Chapter 5  
It's Good To Be Decapitated Again

Tea: *unlocks the door and lets it swing open* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Joey: *body falls out, and then his head rolls out after it* *bleep*!!! That stupid *bleep*ing *bleep* knocked my *bleep*ing head off!!

Yugi: *looks like he's going to faint and throw up at the same time* J-Joey?!

Joey: *long bleep*

Bakura: We have to find Seto! He must have done this, there's no one else in the house!

Joey: It was that *bleep*ing *bleep* *bleep*ing kid!

Tea: I'll search by the body tanks, Yugi'll search the dungeon, and Bakura and Fiona will search the electroshock and surgical rooms.

Fiona: *smile, inches closer to Bakura who blushes*

~everyone splits up~

Joey: Hey, isn't any-*bleep*ing-one going to *bleep* listen to me?!

~silence~

Joey: Aw *bleep*.

~scene switch to Tea running down the corridor leading to the body tanks~

Tea: Seto?! Where are you?! Come out and we won't hurt you! We just want to talk!

~just as she reaches the body tanks she stops~

Tea: Is that a voice?

Faint voice: Tea... Tea, help, I'm stuck...

Tea: *starts to walk forward* Tristan? Is that you?

Voice: Help, Tea... I'm scared, and I can't move...

Tea: It's alright, Tristan, just keep talking and I'll find you!

Voice: Tea, I... I can't even breathe...

Tea: Tristan!

~suddenly she jumps and screams as Seto steps out from behind one of the tanks, gasping and clutching his chest with both arms~

Seto: Tea, I... That saturation chamber did something, I can't think straight...

Tea: *steps back, pulls out her gun and points it at him* D-Don't come any closer! I thought you were Tristan!

Seto: Please, you have to help... It's Mokuba!

Tea: He's dead. And... And you killed him! And Tristan, too!

Seto: I didn't! You have to... have to help me! Trust me!

Tea: No. I'm sorry, Seto. I can't. *shoots Seto over and over until her gun is empty and Seto's body is lying against the wall covered in blood*

Yugi, Bakura and Fiona: *run up* Tea!

Yugi: Hey, Tea, it's alright. *takes the empty gun from her, sets it aside* It's alright, Tea, it's alright.

Fiona: Oh, man, I guess she found Seto.

Tea: *bursts into tears*

Yugi: It's alright, it's fine, we're here.

Bakura: What do we do, know? We're down to four people out of eight.

Fiona: *happy sigh* At least there aren't three. When there are three, the real bad stuff happens.

Bakura: How do you mean?

Fiona: Phht, don't you ever watch thriller movies? In the last scene there's only three people left; the guy, his girlfreind and his best friend. Then, his best freind dies heroically, and the other two get out safely, only to die in the very last scene. *looks around, face turns slightly blue* That means, if anyone dies next, it's me!

Bakura: *blink* What?

Fiona: Yugi is the main character, Tea is his girlfriend, and you're his... Well, hold on, Joey was his best freind, but he's dead. *blink* Okay, wait a sec, the cliche is screwed up. Mokuba was supposed to live because he's the child of the main character, while Tristan was supposed to turn out to be the murderer because he has the weirdest hair, and Seto was supposed to be the old guy babbling about a government comspiracy!

Everyone: *stares at Fiona*

Fiona: *sweatdrop* Can we leave now?

Everyone: *nods, heads up the stone steps, leaving Seto's body lying against the wall*

~as they disappear from the room, footsteps approach. From the vantage point of the floor we can see a pair of sneakers walk across the room to the body of Seto, where the person kneels and we can see that it's Mokuba~

Mokuba: *crying* Bro, I didn't want him to do it, I... I didn't want him to hurt Joey and the others, it was all just a prank! I'm sorry, Seto! I'm so... I'm so sorry... *buries his face in Seto's bloody chest*

Seto: *reaches up a hand and strokes Mokuba's hair* You tied yourself to the electric tray?

Mokuba: No, Joey did. *blink, gasps* Set-

Seto: *stands up, holding Mokuba by the collar* You thought you could play a prank on me?! You thought you could almost get all of us killed?!

Mokuba: But, how did you- You're dead!

Seto: *rips open shirt to reveal bullet-proof jacket* I'm Seto-freaking-Kaiba! I only get tricked once, and then I never almost get killed again! People say I became paranoid after that whole Pegasus thing but I knew there was someone out to get me! You thought you could fool me? Every time you've phoned Joey Wheeler over the past month in preparation for this little game, I've known about it! *slams Mokuba against the wall* What did you have to gain from this?

Mokuba: I just wanted to scare you, that's all! I- Ow, Seto, you're hurting me!

Seto: *dragging Mokuba across the room by his hair* You're going to tell me what you did to Joey, and who that guy with the mustache and the creepy little kid with the walrus are!

Mokuba: I don't know anything about them! Seto, let me go- *wrenches himself away from Seto, slams into the brick wall which collapses behind him*

Seto: Get out of there now! *peers into the walled-off room full of dust and black ivy* Come on, there's probably rats in there!

Mokuba: *crawling backwards away from his brother* Not until you promise you're not mad anymore!

Seto: Mokuba, get out of there now!

Mokuba: Promise you'll stop yelling-

Seto: MOKUBA, BEHIND YOU!!!

Mokuba: *screams as an ethereal darkness reaches out of the wall and wraps around him*

Seto: MOKUBA!!!

Ethereal Darkness: Trapped for so loooooooong... *wraps Mokuba completely in darkness and retreats for a moment*

Seto: LET HIM GO!!!

Ethereal Darkness: Here you go. *suddenly the darkness recoils, tossing something at Seto. It lands on the stone floor at his feet: a boy-size skeleton* He tasted good. I wonder what you taste like.

Seto: *backing away* You... You... *backs into metal cabinet, which swings open* *turns, gasps*

Tristan: *his head is hanging from one peg inside the cabinet, while various other body parts are hung on random other pegs* Aw, man, Seto, they scrapped me!

Joey: *head rolls up, bonks into the cabinet, dislodging Tristan's head* Hey, bud, you got your head lopped off by the creepy kid with the glove, too?

Tristan: Yeah. Man, this sucks, I can barely see from down here. *looks at ethereal darkness* Uh, oh. That isn't a good thing, is it?

Seto: RUN!!! *runs towards the stone steps leading up*

Joey: Um, HELLO! No legs!

Tristan: How could he be so insensitive?!

Seto: ROLL!!!

Joey and Tristan: Well why didn't you say so? *the two heads roll up the steps after Seto*

~scene switch to Fiona, Bakura, Yugi and Tea dressed in ork armor, using the battering ram on one of the lower windows in the main hall~

Fiona: Ready, CHARGE!!!

Yugi: * as they all start running for the door* Um, why are we wearing Lord of the Rings costumes?

Fiona: *blinks, stops, everyone else and the battering ram go sailing past her* Because I just saw the Two Towers and it was SUPER MONDO COOL!!! I mean, if all elves were as cool as Legolas I don't really think I'd beat up on Fekket that much.

Everyone else: *slams face-first into the door and fall everywhere*

Bakura: I think I landed on my keys...

Yugi: You don't even have keys.

Yami Bakura: *takes over, grins and holds up the keys* I swallowed the soul of the limosine driver and swiped the keys.

Fiona: Can't you even be driven to a party without causing some evil?

Yami Bakura: *thinks for a moment* No.

Fiona: DO YOU EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?!

Yami Bakura: I can learn.

Tea: *gets up, takes off ork helmet* And what does LOTR have to do with anything, Fiona?

Fiona: *suddenly draws sword* Uh oh, the character about to die always does something stupid/confusing.

Legolas: *runs around the corner and sees Fiona* Gah, an ork! *points bow and arrow at her*

Fiona: GAH, NO, I'M HUMAN!!! *rips off helmet and dangles it in front of Legolas' face*

Lagolas: Are you sure...

~suddenly there is a pounding and shouting on the closed and locked door that leads to the basement~

Tea: That sounds like Tristan! I'm hearing things again!

Yugi: I'm hearing Joey!

Bakura: Is that Seto's voice?!

Yami Bakura: Who cares?

Bakura: Shut up for a minute, okay?

Yami Bakura: I'm going back to Harvest Moon.

Legolas: *points arrow at the door* That might be the orks!

Tea: Jees, is he high strung...

Fiona: *turns, slowly walks towards the door* It can't be... *reaches out for the doorknob*

~scene switch to the other side of the door~

Seto: Just keep pounding and shouting and they'll hear us! HELP!!! IT'S AFTER US!!!

Joey: *rolling backwards then forwards and banging his forehead against the door* I'm getting dizzy...

Darkness: I'm coming for you... *floating up the stairs*

Tristan: IT'S COMING FOR US!!! YAAAAAAAA, I DON'T WANT TO BE MUTILATED!!!! AGAIN!!!

Fiona: *opens the door*

Seto: *blinks, ducks*

Darkness: *sails over Seto's head, wraps around Fiona and Legolas and pulls them down the stairs*

Fiona: I HATE HORROR MOVIES!!!!!!!

Legolas: YOU HATE WHAT?!?!? *they both disappear*

Seto: *rushes out, followed by Joey's and Tristan's heads, slams the door shut and bolts it*

Tea: YOU'RE STILL ALIVE?! AGAIN?!

Bakura: *freezes* It's coming.

Yugi: What?

Bakura: I don't know, I'm the evil one, I'm supposed to be able to sense evil!

Yugi: You're not evil, Yami Bakura is!

Yami Bakura: *takes over, looks down at Yugi* Are you happy now?

Yugi: *sweatdrop* Actually, we really didn't need you at the moment.

Yami Bakura: I could drive you to safety!

Yugi: THE CAR IS OUTSIDE AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!!!

Yami Bakura: Picky, picky. *turns to the door* Hmph, I'm not going to stand idly by while my vessel is destroyed and the Millenium Ring is lost in that basement. *takes out dueling deck* Are you with me, pharaoh?

Yami: *takes over* Well, losing my vessel _does_ seem like a bad thing, and anyway I'm supposed to protect Tea and all... Hey, where'd she and Seto go?

Seto and Tea: RUN AWAAAAAAAY!!!! *running down the corridor away from the locked door that is being smashed from the other side*

Joey: Hey, man, don't worry, I've already been decapitated by that evil freakazoid, I have nothing to lose! I'm gonna stay behind and help you and Mr. Creepy!

Yami Bakura: *blinks, steps on Joey's head*

Tristan: Yeah, we may be physically handicapped, but we can still rock! *blinks* Oh, wait, I left my deck in my other leg. Damnit!

Joey: *shakes head, deck falls out of his hair* I knew that was a safe place to hide it! *grabs card with tongue, stops* Doh, bait, I ban't booze bards ba way Boogi ab Bakuga cag. Ab *bleep*. *spits out card* And how do I get the cards back in my hair?

Yami: *puts cards back in his hair for him*

Yami Bakura: Get ready, that door's about to collapse.

Yami: Joey, Tristan, you'd better get going after Tea and Seto- Guys?

Tristan and Joey: ROLL AWAAAAAAAAAY!!!! *rolling down the corridor away from the door that... whoops, it just collapsed!*

Darkness: Ah, two more for me to swallow!

Yami Bakura: Let's make this a battle to go down in fanfiction history!

Yami: DARK MAGICIAN, DARK MAGIC ATTACK!

--------------------------

^^ Okay, now OUT goes the strangeness and IN comes the fan pleasing! ^^ And thanks to the nice Darkness... *pats darkness on the head* I no longer have to worry about Fiona beating the snot out of me.  
Darkness: *spits up Fiona's arm bones, which promptly floats through the air to my head and starts beating the snot out of me*  
Me: GACK!!! *running around trying to get away from it* Next chapter is the dramatic finale, so review and prepare for the greatest (translation: dumbest and shortest) battle in Yu Gi Oh! fanfiction history! Until then, I'll try and stay alive!


	6. When the Going Gets Tough

Disclaimer: I don't own Yu Gi Oh, House on Haunted Hill, Cowboy Bebop or Lord of the Rings.  
Me: *wipes sweat off forehead* Phew, got rid of that evil ulna. Okay, Fiona's dead so she can't maim me for killing Mokuba, beheading Joey and Tristan, making Yami and Yami Bakura go fan-pleasing, and for dragging Legolas into all this. *blinks, screams* WAIT, FIONA'S DEAD?!?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!?!?!  
Fiona's ghost: I don't know, but you better hurry up and get me back. 'Cause in case you hadn't noticed, the ghosts of mental patients generally aren't that friendly.  
Me: *blinks, faints* 

**House on Haunted Hill  
By FekketC**  
Chapter 6  
When the Going Gets Tough, the Harder I Fall (Medabots quote)

Yami Bakura: Let's make this a battle to go down in fanfiction history!

Yami: DARK MAGICIAN, DARK MAGIC ATTACK!

Dark Magician: *raises hand, air vibrates with the force of the magic*

Darkness: *absorbs the dark energy* Mmmm, just like Mom made it! More, more!

Dark Magician and Yami: *sweatdrop*

(Author's Note: You know you're reading blatant fanfiction when the Dark Magician sweatdrops.)

Yami Bakura: Well DUH it would like dark energy, you twit!

(Author's Note: You know you're reading blatant fanfiction when Yami Bakura says "duh".)

Yami Bakura: Out of the way, half-pint, I'll take care of this.

Yami: Half pint?!

(Author's Note: You know you're reading blatant fanfiction when Yami actually cares when Yami Bakura insults him.)

Yami and Yami Bakura: CUT THAT OUT!

(Author's Note: Jeesh.)

Yami Bakura: MONSTER REBORN!

Yami: But no monsters have been sent to the graveyard yet.

Yami Bakura: One has!

Fiona: *appears* *blinks* What the *goes into long bleep*...

Yami: Why'd you bring her back?

Yami Bakura: Because she has the power to end this duel!

Fiona: *blinks* Oh, you mean the thing with the cookies?

Yami Bakura: Do your thing!

Fiona: Right! *disappears*

Yami: Okay, now I'm really confused.

Yami Bakura: Not to worry, puny liliputian pharoah man.

Yami: *anime evil face* Grr, STOP CALLING ME THAT!!! I RULED YOUR ASS IN ANCIENT EGYPT AND I STILL RULE IT!!!

Yami Bakura: *sigh* Moron. All will be revealed soon enough. And I'm guessing 'soon enough' means just as soon as the authoress feels like it.

Yami: Now what? That darkness looks hungry!

Yami Bakura: Maybe if you keep feeding it dark energy using the Dark Magician, it will grow full and explode!

Yami: Sounds like a plan!

Yami Bakura: And while you're carrying out your plan, I'll carry out mine.

Yami: And what's that?

Yami Bakura: To get the *bleep* out of here! *turns and runs after Seto and the others*

Yami: *blink* I think I like his plan more. *runs after him, the darkness chasing behind*

~the two run through the halls and after a moment find the staircase that leads to the second floor. As they dash up the stairs they catch up with Joey's and Tristan's heads and Seto and Tea *_* Why they were lollygagging around, I have no idea.~

Darkness: *as it reaches the bottom of the stairs* Seto!

Seto: *freezes, looks back* M-Mokuba?

Darkness: *suddenly something starts to pull from it, and Mokuba's blackened face and hand can be seen* Seto, you have to stay so we can have my party!

Seto: Oh, okay. *starts to turn and go back down the stairs*

Dead Mokuba: *blink* Seto, it was meant to be dramatic. You're supposed to be disgusted and terrified.

Seto: Ah, sorry. _Oh, my God!_ *starts running up the staircase*

Joey: *hopping up each step one at a time* Mokuba's the only one that's died, right?

Tristan's head: *hopping in the same manner* Him and the annoying landlady girl.

Fiona: *appears out of thin air, grabs both the heads like footballs and bolts up the stairs* I think you guys'll be grateful to this annoying landlady girl! *reaches top of the staircase, where Tristan's and Joey's bodies are waiting, plunks the heads down on the necks* There!

Tristan: Cool, you got our bodies back! *blinks* Uh, I can't move.

Fiona: *slaps forehead* Damnit, forgot to do the neurosurgery to reattach your brains to your bodies. *takes out scalpel*

Joey: NEVER MIND THAT, RUN!!!

Fiona: *looks back at the approaching darkness* HOLY *bleep*!!! *grabs the heads and runs, leaving the bodies standing there looking stupid until they are swallowed by the darkness*

Yami Bakura: I sent you to get the you-know-what, not those idiots' bodies!

Fiona: So sue me, hair-boy! I ain't touching that gross stuff!

Tea: What are you two talking about?

Fiona: Those cookies I ate earlier? Turns out they gave me the power to jump around in time and space. Didn't you wonder how I always managed to be in the middle of the action in this damned fic?

Seto: Wait a minute, those cookies weren't made by Old Man Kaiba, were they?

Fiona: Some kind of vintage. *sticks tongue out and makes a face* I don't even WANT to know what kind of body parts gave me THIS power.

Yami Bakura: *whispers in her ear as they run*

Fiona: *shreiks* I TOLD YOU NOT TO TELL ME!!!

Darkness: *bursts out of the floor just behind her*

Fiona: *shreiks again* HOLY *BLEEP*ING *BLEEEEEP*!!!!!!

Yami: MAGIC DOORMAT! *throws card onto the hole in the floor, which turns into a doormat that holds the darkness back*

Seto: I didn't know there was such a card as Magic Doormat.

Yami: Neither did I. I found it on the floor, along with Winged Walrus and Annoying Pudding Boy.

Everyone else: *nervous sweatdrop*

Tea: Why are we standing in the same place instead of taking this golden opportunity to put distance between ourselves and the Darkness?

Tristan's head: AUGH, SHE'S BEING SMART AGAIN!!! SOMEONE STOP HER, I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!

Fiona: Who else feels like a game of Mousetrap?

Seto: What are you babbling about? In fact, WHAT IS EVERYONE BABBLING ABOUT?!

Fiona: It's this game my brother likes, where mice run around on a board and try not to get trapped, and they try and outwit the cat in order to get back to their hole!

Walrus boy: *sticks his head out of Yami's pocket where he put the cards* There's no cat, dimwit.

Fiona: *glares at him* I hate you.

Yami: *pushes walrus boy's head back down into his pocket* But where's the mousehole?

Fiona: *points at the ceiling* The attic! I time-morphed to the future and asked my future self where the third Willy Wonka lever was! She was a little freaked out, but she-

Other Fiona: *appears* *grabs Fiona by the shoulders* Where's the third Willy Wonka lever?! Do you know?!

First Fiona: HOLY *bleep*, YOU'RE ME!!! ONLY TEN MINUTES YOUNGER!!! Wow, I looked great back then. *sigh* Those were the days.

Other Fiona: Whatever! Now where's the third Willy Wonka lever?!

First Fiona: It's in the attic.

Second Fiona: Phew, thanks! *disappears*

Everyone else except Yami Bakura: *staring at Fiona*

Yami Bakura: Let's get running!

Magic Doormat: *dissintegrates, the Darkness creeps up through the hole*

~as everyone runs, Mousetrap Mousetrap starts playing, then grinds to a halt as Scary Spice walks up to the record player and replaces the record, then walks away~

Player: **YO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT, SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT-**

Fiona: *running with Yami Bakura* *stops* I love this song!

Yami Bakura: Keep moving, you idiot!!!

Player: **I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT, SO TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT, WHAT YOU REALLY REALLY WANT-**

Yami: *running with Tea* You think this is Fiona's fault?

Tea: What?

Yami: I said, do you think this is Fiona's fault?

Tea: What? I can't hear you over the music!

Yami: I said- *runs headlong into wall* Oh, never mind. *collapses*

Player: **I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIGAZIG HA...**

Seto: *running and carrying Joey's and Tristan's heads* I hate this song. What the hell does that last line MEAN, anyway?

Joey: I dunno, but it's pretty cool. And that Sexy Spice sure is-

Tristan: AUGH, RIGHT BEHIND US!!!

Joey: Sexy Spice?! *looks back* *long bleep*

Seto: Our Father in heaven, who is a CREEP FOR PUTTING US HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!

Tristan: This is not the best time to become an atheist, Seto.

Seto: *muttering darkly*

Player: **If you want my future, forget my past... if you wanna get with me, better make it fast...**

Fiona and Yami Bakura: *running down a hall when suddenly spikes burst out of the walls*

Fiona: *long bleep*

Yami Bakura: Booby traps!

Fiona: *blink* You said booby.

Yami Bakura: *looks like he's going to kill Fiona* Keep running! The walls are closing in, and if we don't hurry we'll- *pricks finger on a spike, turns back into normal Bakura* Yowch! *blink* Okay, that was deux e machina.

Fiona: *hugs Bakura* Yay, nicey nicey Bakura is back!

Bakura: *looks around at spikes* Erm, where are we?

Fiona: SOMEWHERE WE SHOULDN'T BE!!! RUN!!! *as they run away* Say booby again.

Bakura: *stares at her*

Player: **Now don't go wasting my precious time... Get your act together, we could be just fine...**

~all the teams come together in one spot at the stairs leading to the attic~

Tea: *Yami slung over her shoulders* Are you guys okay?

Bakura: Great Scot, what happened to Yami?

Tea: Hmm? Oh, him, he ran into a wall. Uh, very heroically and self-sacrificially. I think. The memory's sort of fuzzy.

Fiona: Hey, guys, guess who me and Bakura got to help us!

Spike from Cowboy Bebop: *walks up* Hi.

Seto: Oh, and guys, I've become Jewish.

Everyone: *stare at Tea, stare at Seto, stare at Spike, stare at Tea, stare at Seto, stare at Spike*

Fiona: I went forward in time to 2071 and picked him up. He was just about to die, too, full of bullet holes, but Bakura used some potions and healed him.

Bakura: This isn't a role-playing game.

Fiona: Oh. Then, how'd you heal him?

Bakura: *blink, wistful expression* You know, I'm not sure.

Tea: And now Seto's Jewish?

Joey: You should've seen him, he went from Christian to atheist to Muslim to Christian again to voodoo to Oprahism to Judaism. It was freaky to watch.

Fiona: Was it as freaky as... THAT?! *points dramatically*

~everyone turns to see Legolas standing there looking around~

Legolas: The Darkness said it didn't like elves.

Fiona: Hmph. Terrible taste. When they're not trying to KILL me, I personally love elves. *eyes widen* NOT TO EAT!!! Jees, I've had enough of eating body parts, human or otherwise.

Spike: It's fine, Elfy, come over here and join the Unusually Tall Guys Team.

Legolas: Call me Elfy and die.

(Legolas fangirls: *nod eagerly*

Spike fangirls: *annoyed glares at the Legolas fangirls*)

Tristan: Hey, how many teams are there, anyway?

Fiona: *counts* We have nine people-

Joey: But Yugi and Bakura count as two people each, since they have Yami and Evil Bakura!

Fiona: Then we have eleven. And you two count as one person since you're pretty useless at the moment.

Tristan and Joey: Oh...

Fiona: So then I get to be on the green team! You guys can be the red- Wait a second.

~long pause~

Fiona: *blink* WHAT THE *bleep* AM I TALKING ABOUT?! LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!!!

Tea: Yeah! *as she runs up the stairs she bangs Yami's head against the top of the doorpost*

Yami: *eyes open slightly* Huh? *wakes up all the way* What the *bleep*?!

Tea: *puts Yami down* There, you're all better!

Yami: *rubbing head* Do you think this is Fiona's fault?

Everyone but Fiona: YES!!!

Fiona: ME?!?!? *points at Seto* IT'S HIS FAULT!!! HE ARRANGED THIS WHOLE THING!!!

Seto: No, it's Yami's fault! All kinds of weird stuff happens around him, I mean, he's a freaking _pharoah_ for crying out loud!

Yami: It's Yami Bakura's fault! He probably made a human sacrifice to the Darkness and made it angry!

Yami Bakura: Don't look at me, you midgeted excuse for a mummy!

Bakura: Get back in there this instant!

Yami Bakura: You don't tell me what to do, mortal!

Bakura: I do when we're supposed to be running away! *runs up the attic stairs, still arguing with his other half*

Everyone else: *shrugs, follows him up*

~um, just picture a normal attic with crap lying around, and a bunch of pulleys and levers and stuff~

Fiona: Everyone, pull those levers! Push those buttons! Crank those handles! Jimmy those... Jimmies!

Yami: Most of these levers are jammed!

Bakura: *pushing buttons in a flurry* I still say you're evil and you can find somebody else to be your vessel!

Yami Bakura: No chance, halfwit!

Bakura: You're a halfwit, not me!

Legolas: You know, I know someone named Gollum who also has a split-personality problem-

Yami Bakura and Bakura: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS!!!

Spike: *shooting random machines* When you shoot things, they work!

Fiona: *beating random machines with a baseball bat* When you hit things, they work!

Seto: *pulls random lever, all the Willy Wonka slices begin to slide up and away* When you pull the lever marked "Get me the *bleep* out of here", things work.

Fiona: Ooh, does it really say that-

Everyone: *rushes for the door*

Legolas: Stop!

Everyone: *opens the door*

Darkness: *on the other side of the door* Yummy!

Everyone: *blinks* *closes the door*

Legolas: Told you.

Fiona: THE WINDOW!!! GET TO THE ROOF!!!

~everyone rushes for the window just as the darkness bursts down the door~

Spike: *suddenly looks up* Hey, Fiona's up there!

Fiona: *looks up* Hey, that's Future Me!

Future Fiona: *holds up giant tank of leek soup, tips it and pours the soup all over everyone*

Everyone: AAAAAAAAHHH-

Leek soup: *SPLOOSH!!! all over everyone*

Future Fiona: Hey, don't worry! *disappears*

Everyone but Fiona: *dripping, glare at Fiona*

Fiona: *dripping wet, pulls a leek out of her hair* What? How am I supposed to know why I do things in the future? I don't even know why I do things now! *hitting herself* See? Completely random!

Darkness: *leaps forward and swallows Spike, Legolas and Bakura*

Fiona: BAKURA!!!!! *pout* Why'd it have to get all my friends in one go?

Seto: LOOK OUT! *shoves her out of the way just as the Darkness pounces*

Darkness: Oh well. *swallows Seto and Joey's and Tristan's heads*

Fiona: GET OUT THE WINDOW!!! HURRY, I'LL HOLD IT BACK! *turns* Okay, mister, you ain't swallowing me! *starts covering herself in magic sutras* No darkness will touch me while I'm wearing these!

Darkness: *makes very strong wind which blows away the sutras*

Fiona: Crap. Again.

Darkness: *swallows her*

Yami: Hurry and get out the window, Tea!

Tea: *already out the window, standing on the ledge outside* Hurry!

Yami: *running for the window*

Darkness: *reaches up, Spike's blackened hand holding a gun appears out of it and shoots a rope near the ceiling*

Willy Wonka device: *crashes back down, closing Yami in and Tea out*

Yami: Oh no! *turns back to the darkness*

Darkness: *face of Old Man Kaiba appears* Well, Yugi, it looks like- *blinks* You're not Yugi.

Yami: No, you moron, I'm Yugi's great great great great great great great great great-

Old Man Kaiba: How long will this take?

Yami: Um, how many greats are there in five thousand years?

Old Man Kaiba: A helluva lot.

Yami: Well, I am his helluva-lot-of-greats-grandfather. So, since this is below me on the family tree, I really don't deserve any kind of punishment.

Old Man Kaiba: Hmm, no, I suppose you don't. Erm, could I speak to Yugi?

Yami: Sure. *turns back into Yugi, who presses against the wall*

Old Man Kaiba: Now, as I was saying, Yugi, it's your turn to join the others.

Yugi: But, but, I have nothing to do with this, either! I'm, um, adopted!

Yami: You... are?

Yugi: Yeah!

Yami: *slow blink* So, you're not my great great great great- whatever... grandson?!

Yugi: Nope.

Yami: But those times I took you fishing and gave you the Birds and the Bees speech and told you about the good ol' days, and the whole time you weren't even my grandson?!?! *starting to cry*

Yugi: *really nervous* Well, yeah, yeah, I am! Quit crying, yeah, I'm not adopted, but the Darkness doesn't have to know that!

Old Man Kaiba: I'm standing right here.

Yugi and Yami: Eep.

Old Man Kaiba: *holds up Wacky Mallet* Prepare to die.

Yugi and Yami: *clutching each other a la Abbott and Costello* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Voice from the Darkness: STAND BACK, I'M GONNA SPEW!!!

Old Man Kaiba: Ick, not in here! *grabs rope and pulls, the window behind Yami/Yugi opens and he/they roll out onto the ledge*

Voice (which sounds like the walrus boy): I HATE LEEK SOUP!!! *spewing sounds, Spike, Legolas, Fiona, Seto, Joey's and Tristan's heads, Joey's and Tristan's bodies, Fiona and Bakura all come sailing out the window and grab onto the edge of the ledge just as the window slams shut once again*

Fiona: *hanging onto Legolas' legs, climbs up over him onto the ledge* WE'RE ALIVE!!!

Bakura: *as everyone climbs up after her* Great Ceaser's Ghost, but that was a close one!

Fiona: *folds her arms over her chest proudly* Thank you very much. Leek soup was the answer!

Yami Bakura: Told you.

~everyone climbs up and sits in a looooong row on the ledge~

Seto: Everyone got out safe.

Tea: What about Mokuba?

Seto: *looks like he's gonna cry*

Window: *opens, body parts get thrown out, topped by Mokuba's head* *slams shut*

Tristan: Hey, another member of the Decapitated Club!

Mokuba: Hey, guys!

Fiona: *sighs, starts peicing together legs and arms while Seto hugs Mokuba's head*

Seto: _Now_ everyone got out safe.

Fiona: Well, I have work to do. I'm gonna go get the leek soup and do my thing. *disappears*

Yugi: *looks over the ledge* Um, guys, we're twelve stories up. How are we gonna get down?

Yami Bakura: *looks to either side at the close packed people, looks at camera, holds up scythe* No witnesses.

Fiona: *reappears* Done! *sees scythe* Give me thaaaaat! *grabs scythe* Hey, you know, there's something I've always wanted to do but never had a scythe and an elf-girl handy. FEKKET, GET OVER HERE!!!

~mantra sounds, suddenly Fekket dressed in a genie costume appears, sitting on a floating cloud in a meditation position~

Fekket: You called, oh Guru of Violence and aaaaaah, where'd you get thaaaat?!

Fiona: *stands up, swings the scythe at Fekket, who scooches back so that she's out of range* Get us down from here!

Fekket: Um, um, quick!!!

THE END

Fekket: There, past the end I have no more authoress powers. *genie costume and floating cloud disappear* Uh oh. *plummets towards the ground*

Fiona: I hate elves.

Legolas: But I'm an elf!

Fiona: *glares at him, pushes him over the edge* WHO'S NEXT?!?!?

Walrus boy: I am!

Everyone: *looks at him, screams and jumps off*

REALLY THE END

Fekket: Are you SURE?!?!

YEP

Fekket: Damnit!!! Okay, well, that was certainly a strange one. Eh, heh heh, okay, I'm an idiot. Anyway, this one is Fanfic Numbuh 2 in my ongoing series of horror movie anime parodies (for you boobs who don't know me, Fanfic Numbuh 1 was 'Space Predator' featuring the gang from Yu Yu Hakusho. Go to my profile to go read it). Anyway, what's my next project?  
Calypso: Hi.  
Fekket: Ah, you're just in time!  
Calypso: I... am?  
Fekket: How's Fi doing?  
Calypso: In stable condition. They're letting her out in a week.  
Fekket: *takes out map of the world* What is the farthest place from here?  
Calypso: *points randomly* There.  
Fekket: And what does it say?  
Calypso: *blushes* You tell me, Ms. Oh-I'm-So-Literate-And-Smarter-Than-Thou!  
Fekket: *wonders for a second what 'thou' means, shakes head* You pointed to Rome, Italy.  
Calypso: So I did. Just testing you.  
Fekket: Then that's where I'll be in a week. *shakes head* Well, folks, I'm going to take a rest for a while and then upload my incredibly short and ASS... -Y...  
Calypso: Assinine?  
Fekket: Uh, yeah... Yu Gi Oh! fic 'Running From Me'. It's only three short chapters and is probably a waste of everyone's time, but I liked a few of the parts so I'm uploading anyway.  
Calypso: Wait, isn't this the one that you got the inspiration while shoveling manure for your dad's garden?  
Fekket: Yep!  
Calypso: Weee, let's tell the town. So, who's in it?  
Fekket: Um, Joey. And he dies.  
Calypso: Yay. I'm so excited. Wheee.  
Fekket: *evil grin* And Sesshomaru's in it.  
Calypso: *big blink* YOU BETTER NOT KILL HIM BAKANA NINGEN MUSUME!!!  
Fekket: Two things. One, I am not a stupid human girl, I am an insane elf-girl...  
Calypso: Forgive me. KYUTEKINA SENNYU MUSUME!!!  
Fekket: Arigatou. And second I lied and Sesshomaru isn't in it.  
Calypso: You're dead.  
Fekket: *sigh* Well, here are my priorities as far as posting goes:  
1) Start posting 'Running From Me'  
2) Finish posting 'Space Predator'  
3) Finish posting 'Eyesight to the Blind'  
Fekket: Long term stuff to post includes a serious Yu Yu Hakusho fic about Hiei and Kurama going back in time to Hiroshima, and beyond that one of my favorite fics, the Cowboy Bebop Age of Empires Tournament. And I've got some other stuff to write, too, including my stupid Egypt thing for school, but I don't want to bend your ear over that-  
Calypso: Please don't-  
Fekket: Where this woman named Raza is married to this insane pharaoh but falls in love with a theif who is nothing like YB because he's actually pretty nice and his problems started when his family died in this war, and now I'm up to the part where the pharaoh is trying to kill everyone-  
Calypso: *feels ears* My ears are thuroughly bent.  
Fekket: No respect, no respect at all. Well, I'll take a break and then start updating again. For now, keep those eyeballs open-  
Calypso: And never go anywhere alone!  
Fekket, Calypso and Walrus Boy: Buh-Bye now!


End file.
